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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27355615">And Everyone Knows It</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rabbit/pseuds/Rabbit'>Rabbit</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Idle Champions of the Forgotten Realms (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bad Jokes, Double Entendre, F/F, F/M, Jarlaxle being Jarlaxle, Jarlaxle is pan AF, M/M, Multi, Nayeli Goldflower is definitely not poly, Other, Work In Progress, everyone is poly because Forgotten Realms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:39:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,257</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27355615</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rabbit/pseuds/Rabbit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The Champions of the Forgotten Realms ruminate on the widely varied sexual exploits of their most flamboyant member among them, and the one Champion he seems to have overlooked. Probably hilarious and sexy shenanigans to ensue. Probably. Possibly. WIP.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jarlaxle Baenre/Other(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Enter Nayeli, Chaste.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Champions of the Forgotten Realms all know Jarlaxle fucks. Anything, really. He is like a heat seeking missile in the middle of the night (or late afternoon), targeting whichever bed is closest and least likely to get him killed, at least at that moment. Everyone knows it, but no one admits it-- let alone talks about it. Calliope certainly never mentioned the exceedingly late evening that she happened to glimpse the overweeningly self-satisfied drow slipping out of Arkhan's tent. If anything, the surprise there was that Arkhan was apparently Jarlaxle's first conquest among them. Let no one ever say he didn't start with a challenge.</p><p>Calliope letting him know, a couple of nights later, that if he actually didn't want to get killed, she was an awful lot safer… well, that was far less surprising, nor his cheerful acceptance of her offer, then and every so often, in a pinch.</p><p>From there, it all went… predictably, and yet not. No one said anything, the morning that Jarlaxle's broad-brimmed hat sported a bright orange Aarakocra feather rather than the usual daytama. Nor that the next morning, a handsome beige one joined it. Nor the time Arkhan yanked him out from the bottom of the kobold cuddle pile, nor yet the still later evening a heated argument between him and Makos… ended, abruptly, in a nearly too-silent silence, while the next morning found them eating together in a far more companionable one. And so it went. Somewhere in the middle, one might mark how Jamilah kept stumbling over her boots for a week or so after an evening drinking with the drow, and another time when he and Bruenor went out and didn't come back for… several days. That it went this way for each of the Companions of the Hall (including Drizzt and Cattie-Brie, probably both at a time)… raised some eyebrows, but little more than that. If one were keeping track-- and Celeste, as official Keeper of Notes for the champions (until Walnut joined them) definitely was-- the traces of each of Jarlaxle's conquests could be noted, one after the other, like clockwork. Including, as she meticulously noted in her private journal, herself, one Anhairon's Day evening, sandwiched between the disturbingly charismatic mercenary, Delina, and Sentry the Warforged. So it went with each new addition to the rolls of the Champions, no matter their age, race, gender, alignment, or organic status. But it wasn't until the late afternoon that Farideh, Celeste, Regis, and Tyril were gathered sharing a mug about the fire in their camp outside Baldur's Gate, carefully not commenting on how Jarlaxle and Minsc (and Boo) had "gone for a stroll" right at sunset and showed no signs of returning, that a thing suddenly occurred to each of them, in turn. For sitting on a log some meters away, utterly oblivious to… just about everything, polishing her greatsword, Nayeli Goldflower whistled in chaste and unassuming contentment.</p><p>Conversation slowed amongst the four of them, then stopped in what appeared at first to be thoughtful contemplation of the fire. After several minutes of this, Regis said, haltingly,</p><p>"You… you don't suppose..?"</p><p>"Maybe an oversight?" Farideh mused.</p><p>"Not hardly," Celeste snorted matter-of-factly, "he's meticulous about these things. More likely he had the good sense to be circumspect… for once."</p><p>Tyril laughed at that, "Someone would have noticed. I think he makes sure of that on purpose. I remember when Jamilah and I were coming back from late patrol, the morning after we picked up Rosie…"</p><p>Celeste shook her head, "True, but he's also got a strong instinct for self preservation, and she's very… ah… reticent…"</p><p>"Prudish?" Farideh grinned. Regis shook his head,</p><p>"And yet, when we were last in Candlekeep, Drizzt and I happened to spot him coming out of Turiel's chamber…"</p><p>"…And then there was the whole incident with Evelyn and Jim's hidey box," Tyril added, "I mean, Jim's also a bit of an exhibitionist, but still…"</p><p>"Okay, I take your point," Celeste sighed, before everyone immediately clammed up, hearing footsteps. But it was only Calliope and Deekin, and the collective exhale made Calliope's eyebrow's raise.</p><p>"What are we whispering about?" She queried, before following their surreptitious glances to the still totally unaware paladin, "Or do we even want to know?"</p><p>"Nothing really," Celeste rolled her eyes, "Just…"</p><p>"Idle speculation." Farideh finished, particolor eyes twinkling, "On the topic of shared experiences."</p><p>"Wait…" Calliope looked from the group, to Nayeli, and back again, "Oooooh… And you're wondering about…"</p><p>They all looked at each other, then Tyril said, "well… do you think?"</p><p>"DOOM." Said Deekin, matter of factly.</p><p>"Yeah, neither did we, really," Tyril sighed, "So do you think it's on purpose, or that he's just… waiting?"</p><p>"Saving the best for last?" Laughed Celeste, drawing stares from the assembled, "Not that I know personally…"</p><p>"Doom." agreed Deekin, with a strum of his lute.</p><p>"As a matter of fact," Regis rubbed his chin, "She's kind of almost… the opposite of him, isn't she?"</p><p>"In what way?" Farideh asked.</p><p>"Well, he's had… just about everyone, with the one exception, and she… um, do you think she has… with /anyone/, really?"</p><p>Another speculative silence settled over the group, as they all came to very similar conclusions all at once.</p><p>"I feel like there's something to be done with this information," mused Regis for all of them, "but I'm not sure what."</p><p>At this moment, perhaps Nayeli's ears were burning sufficient to make her aware of them. Or perhaps she was just done with her gear maintenance. Either way, she arose from her labours and joined the other champions by the fire.</p><p>"A nice night, isn't it?" She said pleasantly, "And how are you all enjoying it?"</p><p>"Definitely Doom." said Deekin, equally pleasant.</p><p>"Hello Nayeli," said Calliope brightly, ever quick with such things, "And it really is! We were just indulging in some idle gossip, like you do."</p><p>"Like /you/ do, maybe," Nayeli sighed, "though Tyr knows why. All right. What about?"</p><p>The other Champions looked at each other, their faces variously able to conceal their guilt and embarrassment.</p><p>"Doom." said Deekin, honestly, "But nice doom."</p><p>Nayeli's expression hovered between suspicious and confused, and her hand hovered over the hilt of her greatsword, just in case. Celeste managed a passably innocent laugh, which Farideh ruined with a much less innocent snicker.</p><p>"I ah… don't suppose you've any idea where Jarlaxle's off to tonight, do you?" The Tiefling asked, leadingly.</p><p>"Of course I do," Nayeli said, "he and Minsc (and Boo) are doing reconnaissance in the city with Shandie and Krydle, which probably means he's looking for marks to swindle while using the other natives as a cover. He wasn't exactly covert about his intentions… why are you snickering?"</p><p>This was directed at Tyril, but he was hardly the only offender. Of them, Deekin and Calliope managed to be intently focused on their instruments, but Regis nearly fell from his log with the effort of holding back.</p><p>"I'm sure--" he gasped, "--that's it, exactly. His cover. Of course. What else?"</p><p>Nayeli's eyes narrowed dangerously, "You're not suggesting he lied about his whereabouts tonight, are you? If he's moonlighting with those assassins again, or up to something else…"</p><p>"Oh no," Tyril giggled, "I'm sure that whatever he said to you was exactly what he plans to… what /did/ he say again, exactly?"</p><p>"He said that he had a lead on a couple of opportunities that he intended to thoroughly explore when he and Minsc (and Boo) met up with Shandie and Krydle in the City. Minsc apparently asked him to help with a problem of a personal matter regarding the statue of him that used to stand in the city, and had been broken…"</p><p>"Those were the terms he used?" Regis prodded. Nayeli frowned,</p><p>"Okay, no, he said he was going to help recover the remnants of Minsc's exploded erection, because of course he has to turn everything into a dirty joke. And frankly, I don't see what's so funny about it, either. He was obviously trying to get a rise out of me."</p><p>"Did he?" Celeste queried, the only one remaining in possession of anything like composure.</p><p>"Of course not," Nayeli crossed her arms, "I told him that they could rummage around in the gutters of Baldur's Gate by themselves, so long as they didn't get killed, and that was the end of that."</p><p>"Wait wait wait," Farideh choked, "He asked you to come with them!?"</p><p>"More or less. For whatever reason. It hardly seemed like the kind of thing that needed my presence… by Tyr, what is it!?"</p><p>Even the formidable force of Nayeli's scowl could not stop the gales of unbridled mirth from the other champions (and Doom from Deekin). Celeste was the first to even sort-of manage to pull herself together.</p><p>"I.. I'm sorry Nayeli… it's just… we're not laughing at you, I promise!"</p><p>"Mm." Nayeli was not convinced.</p><p>"No no, we're not, I swear," Calliope pitched in, "It's just… Jarlaxle, he…"</p><p>"Yes, whatever this is about, I'm sure it's Jarlaxle's fault." She sighed in deepest irritation, "And whoever he's swindling is likely to take it out on us. Though I'm not sure why any of you think that's funny. I'll get to the bottom of it, when he gets back. And you can tell him I'm looking for him too when he does, for that matter."</p><p>With that, Nayeli stalked away towards her tent, a cloud of righteous indignation growing over her head. The others pulled themselves together as they watched her leave, trading meaningful, incredulous looks.</p><p>"When he gets back…" Tyril mused, "you don't suppose…?"</p><p>"DOOM."</p><p>"Deekin's right," Calliope sighed, "she has absolutely no idea what she's been set up for."</p><p>Regis coughed, "And did we all just…?"</p><p>"…finish setting her up?" Farideh raised a thin, white eyebrow, suddenly sober, "you know, I think we really did."</p><p>"Deekin told you," said Deekin with a firm nod, as the rest of them fell silent for a time. Finally, Calliope broke the reverie.</p><p>"Should we…?" she nodded in the direction of the tents.</p><p>"What, and miss the fireworks?" Calliope plucked at the strings of her lute, "Not for all the dragons in Waterdeep."</p><p>"…fair enough," Celeste sighed, "but keep the fire low, huh?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Exit Jarlaxle, Chased.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I have no idea why I thought this was a good idea but oh well.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jarlaxle arrived back at the Champion's campsite several hours before dawn, whistling a charming little tune, before sending an exceptionally dizzy and bow-legged Shandie, Krydle, Minsc (and Boo) back to their respective tents. Most of the others had either given up and headed back to their tents, or nestled down around the dwindling fire in their cloaks and blankets. Deekin and Calliope were the only ones awake, playing a soft but cheerful duet on their lutes as the immaculate mercenary strolled up to them, stopping to warm his hands over the embers. </p>
<p>"A most enchanting evening-cum-morning to you, my most excellent comrades. What's the good word?" He grinned expansively. </p>
<p>"Doom." Said Deekin, hitting a D minor on his lute. </p>
<p>"Oh nothing particularly special," amended Calliope, "Nayeli was looking for you, earlier."</p>
<p>"/Was/ she?" Jarlaxle's right eyebrow flirted dangerously with the brim of his splendid hat, "And at this hour? Whatever for, I wonder?"</p>
<p>"Doom." Deekin repeated, matter-of-factly, "Deekin said already." </p>
<p>"Indeed, my unfailingly pessimistic little friend. But for whom?" Jarlaxle mused, sparing Deekin a wink as he mulled over this new development, "Well, if the all too completely and utterly good Nayeli Goldflower wants me tonight, I cannot keep her waiting. How very kind of you both, to stay up to this unholy hour to carry her message!" </p>
<p>"Well Jarlaxle, she didn't exactly say /now/, and I wouldn't… she doesn't…" Calliope started, but the incorrigible drow was already swaggering off, in the direction of Nayeli's tent. Calliope glanced at Deekin, who nodded back at her. </p>
<p>"Doom," he agreed, "not the nice kind. Boss never knows when to listen to Deekin…"</p>
<p>Calliope quietly shook each of the others around the fire awake, so none of them missed the moment, about five minutes later, when the emerald blast of Nayeli's Banishing Smite rocketed a stunned Jarlaxle across the campsite like a glittering ebon and purple rocket. His trajectory was rudely interrupted by a magnificent oak tree, against which he crumpled, accordion-like, and subsequently unfolded onto the forest floor.</p>
<p>"Oh dear," Celeste hurried over to bring the battered mercenary back to consciousness. He revived presently, dazed but grinning. Calliope sighed and shook her head.</p>
<p>"Didn't quite go how you planned, huh?" </p>
<p>"Hm? Oh, that? Not at all! Not that I had actually planned anything, really. But if I had, my dear Calliope, Everything would going exactly precisely according to plan, I assure you." He blinked a few times, "Er, both of you." </p>
<p>"Deekin warned you." sighed Deekin. </p>
<p>"We really ought to get you back to your tent, and lying down," Celeste sighed, as Tyril and Regis helped her get the mercenary to his decidedly unsteady feet. </p>
<p>"A capital idea. My thoughts exactly. I'm terribly faint though… how many of you are there?" He did his best to count them, including those still gawking by the fire, "Hm, eight? Thirteen? Forty-Two? It doesn't matter. I'm wounded and you're comfortable. Carry me to bed, and I'll make it up to you. Er- All of you."</p>
<p>The other Champions exchanged looks. </p>
<p>"Doom." said Deekin, for all of them, "much better doom." </p>
<p>"Capital." Jarlaxle murmured, then fell into a dramatic swoon (And Calliope's arms) as the rest of them hove the incorrigible mercenary back into his tent, whereupon none emerged until well after dawn.</p>
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